The Support We Need

All new parents need help. However knowing what help they need is not always easy. This is to help starting to think about how to help out a new parents.

Partner/Spouse

If a partner has given birth, know their body is in recovery and needs rest to recover. The non-birthing partner can help by:

• Taking time to bond with baby/ skin-to-skin/snuggling

• Making sure their partner has plenty of sleep & eats meals

• Help them remember to take any medications & drink lots of water

• Encourage self-care and offer reassurance and love to each other

• Assist with baby wakings by changing diapers, swaddling, getting baby back to sleep or feedings if they are not nursing

• Get to know the 5 S's for soothing a baby together

Extended Family/ Close Friend

t is possible you will be welcomed into their home during those first few weeks. If so here are some tips; if not, respect that this can be a very vulnerable time for new families and they may want some time to bond and heal.

• Make meals and/or organize a meal train or care calendar

• Hire a postpartum doula or night nurse for them

• Offer to help with household chores or hire someone for them

• Help out with older children if needed

• Pick up groceries or perscriptions for them

• Take care of the family pet/pets

• Be there for them & reassure them, talk & listen

Neighbors, co-workers, etc

New families need lots of help and support! If you are comfortable with it, offer to do one of the below tasks!

Make or order meals for them, offer to share their meal train

• Offer a playdate with older children if your kids are friends

• Offer to pick up groceries

• Offer to help maintain their yard

• Pay for a cleaning service to come a time or two if they would like

The point is, do not be afriad to offer to help with a specific task (that you actually really want to and are willing to do) or if you are a new parent, do not be afriad to ask for help. As the old saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. Be a good village.

Why I became a Postpartum Doula

We each come into doula work for different reasons, for me, it was the accumulation of all of my life experiences that all pointed to this direction.

Families Need Support

(Again for the folks in the back of the room Families Need Support!)
Babies do not come with instruction manuals and each one is different. The traditional support systems are not there anymore as people move away from family and grandparents work longer into their lives. Parental leave may or may not be available. Birthing parent is recovering. Newborns need to feed every two to four hours, so sleep is inconsistent. I could go on for hours (but no really…)
As a transplant from the Chicago area, we had little local support after the birth of our first child. Family flew in for a week or two each but in the end it was just me, my spouse, and the baby. My spouse went back to work after two weeks and worked a LOT. Figuring out my new normal and how to make all the pieces work was not something I had planned. There is a reason the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” exists, we were never meant to do this alone. This is why I started going to babywearing meetings, which led to teaching babywearing. I was just trying to figure it out and help other parents do the same. As a postpartum doula, I get to give the support I wished I had. An extra set of hands, a source of information and resources, making space for processing, naps, showers, and refilling plates & water bottles.

Empowering & Uplifting parents 

Parents need some love too! Everyone is so focused on baby, but their parents might be on the struggle bus. When I became a parent, I felt like a deer in headlights! I have a masters degree in student affairs, have taken all the child development and child psychology classes, was a camp counselor, have helped care for younger siblings, babysat so many kids, read all the pregnancy books... And yet, when I was face to face with my new, tiny human I felt woefully underprepared. The information was overwhelming and often contradictory. Then after the birth of my second child, I fell head first into postpartum anxiety. On the outside looking in I seemed to have my act together, a clean house, positive parenting techniques in place, organic food for my kids. On the inside felt like a black hole of guilt and fear, certain something was going to happen to me or my kids and it would be my fault. Once I got help and I made it out the other side of this, I dedicated myself to making sure other parents knew they were not alone in their everyday struggles. I found out about postpartum doulas and the rest, as they say, is history. Now I get to show up for parents every day. Sharing tools. Being an extra set of hands. Encouraging you. Empowering you.

Lives in Transition 

Before becoming a parent I worked with high school and college students as they transitioned to college or into the professional world. I loved helping them explore their lives and goals and dreams, It’s why I have an MS Ed. As I became a parent, I realized we celebrate and honor so many transitions in life - preschool to Kindergarten, high school to college, college to work, marriage, even pregnancy and the birth itself. Yet, somehow the fragile time after the baby comes is still somewhat unspoken. After the shower gifts have been unpacked and guests have gone home, we are left largely alone in our society. A time of such joy & love can also be one of uncertainties, long days, and bodily fluids. Whether it is your first or your fourth, adding a child to a family is a time of transition for each member. Each individual is getting to know this new person in their world and coming to understand their own, changing role in the family unit. As a postpartum doula, I honor this time and space with you as you each get to know the new you.

Everyday is an adventure

As a postpartum doula, every day brings new adventures! Each new family and baby I work with is an experience all of their own! Taking a whole-family approach means meeting each family where they are and supporting each in ways that are unique to their needs and goals.  No two days are ever the same and I love that about being a postpartum doula! 

Lifelong learning 

I joke a lot about being a nerd, but it is true. Hand me a research journal article and I will dive right in! A professional training or conference coming up? - I am IN! Coffee with another perinatal/parenting professional - yes please! In this ever changing world, any chance I can get to fill my “toolbox” with new information and resources for the parents I work with, I take it! There is a big world out there with so many new discoveries to be made, I embrace the unknown and am open to new (to me) ideas and knowledge.

For the love of the work

There are so many reasons I became and love being a postpartum doula that I could not begin to mention them all. At the end of the day, I am just so grateful I get to do this work and share in this time with families. It is a privilege to be welcomed into homes and a true honor to be chosen to share in this time with families.

Finding my way

On this World Mental Health Day, I am going to speak from the heart and experience here for a minute. Usually, I hide behind facts or sarcasm, especially with this topic. After I had my second child, I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety. Writing that one sentence makes it sound like it just happened, magically, someone noticed and I got the help I needed. Unfortunately, that is not quite the full truth. A dear friend was honest with me and then my GP took the signs and had a frank conversation with me, but it was a dark and winding road for some time. I did not realize just how long I had gone without feeling joy until I started getting help. 

I had never heard of postpartum anxiety. I had only ever heard of postpartum depression and in my head, the signs of that were things like regretting having children, not being able to get out of bed, feeling resentment, basically what I had heard in passing from tv portrails. For me, that is not how it played out. It played out with me laying awake at night running through all of the “what-ifs”, or feelings so overwhelmed by all the things that could happen, that I could not really relax (in my defense on that one, my kids ARE creative and curious lol without a watchful eye they quickly got into some pickles!). Then came the intrusive thoughts. Even though I rationally KNEW the chances of it happening the way it played out in my head were slim to none, I fixated on them and stopped leaving my house as much as I previously had to avoid those scenarios. 

Through all of this, it did not even occur to me that what I was experiencing was not normal. I genuinely thought it was just what life with two kids, two and under, was like. I went through the motions every day, I loved my babies more than anything, but I was drowning on the inside. A busy toddler and a baby with reflux that never slept more than two hours at a time, a partner who worked long hours, and no family close by, I felt like I had to be “on” all the time. I am so fortunate to have a great partner, and he was there with me through the thick of it, also assuming this was just what life with two kids was like. Both of us were so deep in, neither could recognize the reality. My second baby was around a year old when I finally got diagnosed and received help. I still remember the exact moment I knew I was on the road to recovery. I was on the floor playing with my kids, going through all the motions like I had been all this time and I felt… JOY. Like I was actually, for real, happy. It was like the fog had lifted and I could see through to the other side. This was not the end of my journey, but now there was a light at the end of what felt like an endless tunnel. I have since taken multiple trainings, gone to several conferences, and researched perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD) quite a bit. I wish I knew then all that I know now, in hindsight it is possible I had depression and OCD as well though I was never officially diagnosed with either. I talk about it with anyone I know who is expecting a baby and mention it in my consults with clients. My hope is to prevent someone from feeling as alone as I did. As a postpartum doula, many of my clients are individuals who had previous experiences with a perinatal mood disorder or are at higher risk for them so we can be aware of it together and get help as needed. Experiencing a perinatal mood disorder is more common than most realize. Roughly 1 in 7 birthing people and 1 in 10 partners experience a perinatal mood disorder. Below are some additional statistics as well as resources. Just know you are not alone and there is help. 

Additional information/Statistics:

• It is NOT your fault if you are experiencing this! 

• Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders include: depression, anxiety, OCD, bi-polar mood disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and psychosis. You may experience one or a combination 

• PMADs can affect anyone regardless of age, race, income, even gender

• Pregnant people, adoptive parents, partners, individuals who had a miscarrage can experience perinatal mood and anxiety disorders

• “Baby Blues” is not the same as a Perinatal Mood Disorder. 80% of birthing people will experience some sadness or crying.This will resolve without help within a couple weeks

Get Help/ Resources:

Postpartum Support International
Postpartum.net 
800-944-4773

Pregnancy and Postpartum Health Alliance of Texas
pphatx.org

Center for Women’s Mental Health
womensmentalhealth.org

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States

#RealLifeWithSmallChildren

#RealLifeWithSmallChildren. I started using this hashtag years ago to try to really capture what it was like to have small children. I did this because - I - felt isolated from my own reality attempting to look like I had it all together. We all see the glossy covers of adorableness that show us what parenting (supposedly) looks like from the outside. The perfect photo on facebook, IG, or the parenting articles.

In the midst of my postpartum haze (and what I now know was postpartum anxiety) from my second, another parent said they almost hated coming to my house because it made them feel awful about their own home. Like how did I manage to keep my house tidy with two small children and an active life and volunteer role? So... I opened my oven to reveal two days worth of dirty dishes I had stashed in there before they had arrived. I told them my closets upstairs were stuffed with boxes of random stuff I did not have the emotional, let alone physical, energy to process. That I just HOPED one day it would not feel so hard.

Because the bank floor is a good place to lay down.
[Image description: four year old white child with light brown hair laying face down in the middle of a star etched onto the floor of a bank]

In that moment, I realized I had fallen into the hole of participating in the lies. My facebook was filled with perfectly placed photos of my kids doing awesome things. Don’t mind that I took literally twenty shots to get that ONE shot of them both looking perfect. Or exactly one second later they were pouring the water for the paint out to see it flow. For one second, I had a perfect moment. That is what parenting is. At least for me. Tiny moments that flow from one to another, some amazing, some hair-raising, some beautiful, some making me cry with tears of happiness AND anger in the same moment. That is my life. My house is often not tidy. The kids bedrooms and playroom regularly have half fallen forts, obstacle courses, Lego villages, or pieces of art laying around. I HATE doing dishes and laundry and unless I have a huge deadline for something else, I wait until the last possible moment in my day to deal with them. Because I am busy, living #reallifewithsmallchildren.

So, I started posting these pictures too. The inbetween photos. The not-at-all perfect family photo, the MESS that can happen when I dared to go to the bathroom. The countless hours of snuggling when I really should have been doing the dishes, or making dinner.I also tried to capture the beautiful moments. Not the staged ones, the ones that happen so suddenly you are overcome with emotion and don’t know how it is possible to love a human as much as you do this tiny one in this moment. You want to savor every second of it and stretch it out, but it is gone in the blink of an eye.

The saying is true - babies don’t keep, and I wanted to share it all. The hard, the funny, the perfect, because we deserve more. More than the glossy instagram-ready perfect photos. Real life with small children (and not so small children) is not like that. It brings me so much joy to see others posting with this hashtag, their good, their hard, their messy, their beautiful. It is a beautiful (and sometimes not) mess.

I love my life with my children. More than I ever could have imagined. It is so full, every day. Full of new, and wonder, and learning, and growing. BIG emotions, sleep deprivation, experiments, tiny treasures, frustrations. Coffee. So much coffee. This is my life with two creative, VERY active, smart, fast, small children. I am sharing it with you so maybe others don’t feel so alone in their parenting journeys. Maybe you are lucky and do actually have it all together. I am genuinely happy for you (and maybe a bit jealous! lol). But, if you don’t, know that in #reallifewithsmallchildren there is never a dull moment and every day is an adventure!